The Walker

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a European man. And there is a fault with the European man. Our compact capitals, stuffed with crowded lanes and busy streets, have led us to believe one almighty falsehood – the best way to explore any new city is on foot.

I've teetered dangerously alongside four lane highways in Kuala Lumpur, ambled aimlessly around vast industrial zones of San Francisco and half frozen to death on the wintery streets of Manhattan. I am an idiot. An idiot so bloody minded that, yet again, I've tried to discover a city on my hind legs.

Yet there are advantages. Walking around Taipei is the best way to see others – and for others to see you. And that means getting maximum exposure to the varied reactions of the Taipei public when they see my goofy white mug.

Having been here a while now, I've started to categorise some of the big hitters:

The Gawper

They blink, they rub their eyes, they clean their glasses – still you're there. Their heads rotate 180 degrees as they pass you, almost crashing their bike or falling over an unseen obstacle. Despite you being the 15^th Westerner they've seen today, The Gawper cannot believe their eyes.

The Freezer

Petrified, caught in Medusa's glare, mouths agape. Panic crosses their faces as they realise their legs won't move. The sight of a Westerner renders The Freezer helpless.

The Greeter

They're not selling anything. They're not a restaurant hawker. They're just another pedestrian or cyclist. I'm still not sure what The Greeter wants out of me when they they say “Hello! How are you?” as they pass. I always reply with a friendly “Hello!”, but am always left happily confused. One particular Greeter left me more stumped than the others when, outside a supermarket, he stood to attention and saluted me – twice. No, I have no idea either.

The Hater

Most likely to be encountered when I'm accompanied by Jennie, The Hater is just as likely to be a man or a woman. A heady cocktail of judgement and anger in their eyes, they just – wish – you – were – dead.

The Smiler

Sometimes The Smiler is also The Gawper – or even The Greeter. One thing's for sure, The Smiler always brightens up my day. More power to them.

The Giggler

It seems that the sight of a ruddy-faced, confused Westerner is hilarious to some – especially teenage girls. God knows why I'm so entertaining to The Giggler, but they're infinitely preferable to The Hater.

The Westerner

It is impossible to write about the denizens of the pavements and not mention the wai guo ren. They are an almost constant source of shame to me. Invariably a badly dressed male with a clammy face and lecherous eyes, The Westerner is seldom a positive ambassadorial presence. What a haircut, a nice pair of chinos and an ironed shirt wouldn't do...

Glamorama

The only way to recover from a full stack. Pretend you're breakdancing.

Ice cream cone haircuts, traffic cone bras, clown-face make up - I saw it all on Sunday. The po-faced world of the high-fashion catwalk is a constant source of material for the tabloids. Some catwalk shows are about art rather than functional clothes, but the red tops mock them regardless. Hiding behind artistic license doesn't justify all the pretentiousness, though. A healthy dose of self awareness would go down well for all concerned. 

Both sides of the coin kept me entertained during the less interesting moments of Shih Chien University's Graduate Fashion Show. Those moments were few and far between, however. Some of you may be shocked to find that I thoroughly enjoyed watching a relentless procession of beautiful women saunter in front of four unimpressed judges. Others know that I own an America's Next Top Model pencil case, so you won't be surprised at all.

If you're the model, the lack of dignity in wearing orthopedic shoes and a dress made from a giant Meccano set is self evident. For the audience, the pleasure in watching is equally obvious. It's reminiscent of early rounds of The X Factor - car crash viewing at its best (Will she fall over in those preposterous shoes? Will the music cut out and leave one lost soul standing alone in a concrete courtyard - fear in their eyes?). Moments like this remind me that "saying yes to stuff" (and having a girlfriend who's a graduate of Shih Chien) gets you into all sorts of fun situations.

Prior to arriving, I was a little worried I'd get bored during the show. In the event, the assortment of unfinished works and amateurish displays meant Jen was bored long before I, and she dragged me to Shilin Market for some retail therapy. It would seem that balsa-wood shoes and hats made of cocktail sticks were a less enduring distraction for her than a new pair of Converse trainers. My adventures in high fashion are over - for now...