On the buses

The past week, I've set myself the challenge of getting round Taipei by bus rather than MRT. The bus network, unlike the MRT, is mostly in Chinese. For this relative newcomer, the possibility of getting hopelessly lost has returned.

Getting the bus does have plenty of upsides, however. Although the swathes of beautiful girls remain on the MRT, the oddballs and nutters of this fair city flock to the buses in their droves. Chugging their way through the gridlock, they offer an infinite opportunity for mayhem to ensue.

Some of it happens before you even get on the damn things. An early-morning commute to work with my Taiwanese girlfriend, Jen, began with a long wait at my bus stop on Keelung Rd – a six lane highway. She took great pleasure in informing me that the scooter pile-up I witnessed that morn happened “because they were staring at you”. No Taiwanese were hurt in the making of this anecdote.

Last weekend, a surprisingly tardy Sunday service had me waiting for over 30 minutes at the bus stop. Around the time I'd abandoned all hope, someone pulled over and offered me a lift. Ignoring all that good advice about refusing lifts from strangers, I took a ride from a hinge-and-bracket Asian lesbian double act who informed me that my destination was completely out of their way but they just loved chauffeuring white people around in their spare time.

And it ain't over once you're on board. A late-night ride home with Jen saw the bus completely empty out as we approached the end of our journey. “Just the three of us, on here?”, shouted the driver. “Well, let's have some music, then!”, before piping Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend' through the tinny bus speaker system.

“It's a party night!!”, he shouted at us as we hurtled off at our stop, fleeing for the safety of a good music collection. Yep, the buses are alright...