The Walker

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a European man. And there is a fault with the European man. Our compact capitals, stuffed with crowded lanes and busy streets, have led us to believe one almighty falsehood – the best way to explore any new city is on foot.

I've teetered dangerously alongside four lane highways in Kuala Lumpur, ambled aimlessly around vast industrial zones of San Francisco and half frozen to death on the wintery streets of Manhattan. I am an idiot. An idiot so bloody minded that, yet again, I've tried to discover a city on my hind legs.

Yet there are advantages. Walking around Taipei is the best way to see others – and for others to see you. And that means getting maximum exposure to the varied reactions of the Taipei public when they see my goofy white mug.

Having been here a while now, I've started to categorise some of the big hitters:

The Gawper

They blink, they rub their eyes, they clean their glasses – still you're there. Their heads rotate 180 degrees as they pass you, almost crashing their bike or falling over an unseen obstacle. Despite you being the 15^th Westerner they've seen today, The Gawper cannot believe their eyes.

The Freezer

Petrified, caught in Medusa's glare, mouths agape. Panic crosses their faces as they realise their legs won't move. The sight of a Westerner renders The Freezer helpless.

The Greeter

They're not selling anything. They're not a restaurant hawker. They're just another pedestrian or cyclist. I'm still not sure what The Greeter wants out of me when they they say “Hello! How are you?” as they pass. I always reply with a friendly “Hello!”, but am always left happily confused. One particular Greeter left me more stumped than the others when, outside a supermarket, he stood to attention and saluted me – twice. No, I have no idea either.

The Hater

Most likely to be encountered when I'm accompanied by Jennie, The Hater is just as likely to be a man or a woman. A heady cocktail of judgement and anger in their eyes, they just – wish – you – were – dead.

The Smiler

Sometimes The Smiler is also The Gawper – or even The Greeter. One thing's for sure, The Smiler always brightens up my day. More power to them.

The Giggler

It seems that the sight of a ruddy-faced, confused Westerner is hilarious to some – especially teenage girls. God knows why I'm so entertaining to The Giggler, but they're infinitely preferable to The Hater.

The Westerner

It is impossible to write about the denizens of the pavements and not mention the wai guo ren. They are an almost constant source of shame to me. Invariably a badly dressed male with a clammy face and lecherous eyes, The Westerner is seldom a positive ambassadorial presence. What a haircut, a nice pair of chinos and an ironed shirt wouldn't do...